Burnt Feet

Dear diary,

This weekend I played Spikeball in the park, and I didn't wear shoes.  Feeling my toes in the dirt reminded me of when my father-in-law used to bury my feet in the backyard, and tell me to "grow tall, like a tree so we can get that NBA money."  He'd pour a little Corona on my ankles to water me. 

Anyway, I got sunburnt on my feet at the park and now my feet are extra hot, making them extra sweaty. I've gone through 3 pairs of socks already today. When I walk you can hear a squish noise with every step. It's embarrassing. I've been coughing really loudly while I walk to people don't hear the squish-squash of my feet, but I was coughing so much that my boss sent me home and told me to "take care of whatever the fuck is going on here."

So now I've got my feet covered in Aloe Vera. Hopefully it'll work and my burnt skin will peel off like a snake's and I can get my life back together. 

Plantain Chips

Dear diary,

Today I ate three times more plantain chips than I had originally planned on eating. Now, I'm dealing with the physical and emotional ramifications of my over-indulgence.

Physically, I'm feeling full, slimy, briney, unsettled, and on edge.

Emotionally, I'm feeling disquieted, disappointed, angry, and horny.

I'm not sure when these feelings will pass, nor how I'll weather the storm.  I'm going to try going for a walk, and drinking a black and white milkshake.

Fluoride

Dear diary,

Sorry I haven't written in you recently. Don't worry, its not because things have been going well.

I've been afraid of taking a shower because I heard that the water in New York Cityhas fluoride in it. I'm afraid that taking a shower will be like when I used to go to the dentist to get a fluoride treatment on my teeth, but for my whole body. I used to always choose the bubblegum flavored fluoride. I could never remember if it was the least-unpleasant flavor, or the most unpleasant flavor, so I would roll the dice each time, disappointed in my memory.

Bubblegum fluoride was and is the most unpleasant because it tastes enough like bubblegum to be really upsetting. Its like someone ate a pack of bubblegum and then threw up on my gums.

So now I think that taking a shower would be like someone eating a full roll of Hubba Bubba and then barfing on my body. 

I was hoping that writing about it would make me feel better, but it doesn't.

I smell so bad.

Scarf Weather

Dear diary,

The weather in New York is really throwing me off. I don’t know how to dress. I ended up wearing 4 scarfs and no shirt today. I wrapped myself up like a mummy. I think the colors looked nice, but I was not allowed in the bank.

I hope the weather becomes more predictable because if I don’t make these deposits I’m bound to repeat sins of the past and spend it all on scarfs.

Big Clothes

Dear diary,

Over the last few years I've lost a significant amount of weight, and now most of my clothes are too big. Even though I can't really wear those clothes without looking like a baby wearing his daddy's hoodie that is made out of curtains, I'm afraid to get rid of the clothes. 

I'm afraid I'll gain the weight back and need those clothes. Its like I'm keeping a cast from an broken arm after everything has healed.

“Actually doc, I probavky will mess this whole thing up again, so i might as well keep this plaster in my closet.”

At my current rate of roast beef consumption, my fears are reasonable.  

Energy

Dear diary,

I'm feeling energized today. I've got a little extra pep in my step and I think it's because of the 3 5 Hour Energies I drank this morning.  I want to get the most out of the 15 hours I'm awake and downing 3 of those little bottles is leading me in the right direction!

Salt

Dear diary,

I don't know who the fuck I think I am, but I own two different types of salt.

Kosher salt, and pink Himalayan salt!

And I leave my salts out of on display, in clear mason jars, on the counter. I need my two different salts in arm's reach of the stove-top because I want it to look like I season things so often.

Do I cook such a variety of dishes, that I need two different types of salt at cooking-arm's reach? No! No way!

I just want to show off my salt!

Roller Skates

Dear diary,

I'm feeling anxious and off balance today, like how I used to feel at roller skating birthday parties (full of pizza and cake, on the verge of tears, wishing I was cooler).

These feelings will pass, like all things, after I dance and sleep.

Toilet Water

Dear diary,

I finally took a sip of toilet water. I’ve wanted to do it for a long time. I haven’t had the time to try toilet water until now. 

Usually when I want to do something that people would disapprove of I never do it. Plus, I’ve made a habit of punishing myself (by listening to Wrecking Ball by Miley, but backwards, over and over) for even thinking about going against the grain. But not this time.

I don’t think I’ll drink toilet water again. Maybe! It tasted like tap water. I’m just really impressed I dipped a mug in there and tried it. 

Barista/Barber

Dear Diary,

Today I went to a coffee place that was also a barbershop. When I ordered a shot of espresso, the barista asked if I "called about a haircut." I said "no, but should I have?" I was making a joke. The barista didn't laugh. Instead they said "Yeah. Your hair looks like shit. If you aren't getting a haircut, you need to get the fuck out. We can't have someone with such an ugly mess of hair sitting in our establishment."

Ugh. Why does this always happen to me.

Growth Spurt

Dear Diary,

I'm waking up at midnight every night to bake and eat a DiGiorno's Supreme Bake At Home Pizza, just like I did when I was 15 and going through my growth spurt. I'm afraid that my appetite may be indicative of a growth spurt round 2. 

I can't afford to grow 5 inches and have none of my pants fit. Pants are too expensive (which I don't get - they are just two fabric tubes (I should learn how to knit pants (I'd save a ton of cash (plus maybe be less stressed about a potential growth spurt)))).

Treasure

Dear Diary,

I was picking my nose this morning, and I found actual treasure.  A small, gold encrusted gem was in my nostril, and I don't know what to do with it. I think its a ruby, but I'm not sure. 

How did it get there? Are there more? Do you think I can pay my rent with it?

I know you can't respond, Diary, but sometimes I wish you could. 

Marshmallow Chef

Dear diary,

I woke up particularly tired this morning. Last night I dreamt I was a marshmallow chef with a big catering order of marshmallow lasagna due by lunch.

I don’t know the recipe for marshmallow lasagna. I ended up making Rice Krispies Treats but with dry pasta instead of Rice Krispies. It looked bad.

I never heard if the customer liked it; in the dream I handed the finished pans of marshmallow lasagna to our delivery person, and then they stabbed me with a pen and I woke up. They stabbed me because I didn’t hold the door for them on their way in. I couldn’t - I was busy cooking! I don’t get it. 

Kernels

Dear Diary,

I'm worried. A couple of days ago, I spilled a dozen popcorn kernels in my bed. I don't want to get into to how or why, but the loose kernels are causing me stress.

I'm worried that while I’m sleeping my body heat is going to heat up a kernel to its popping point. I’m worried its going to pop against my back and startle me. I’m worried the pop will leave a mark and during beach season I’ll have to explain to all my summer friends what happened.

I can’t find the kernels (because my sheets are light tan) but I know they are in there. I’d find out where they were if my warmth turned them into popcorn, but I don’t think a dozen scares is a fair trade.

For now, I’m going to keep my bedroom cool and give my sheets a good shake out.

My Legs

Dear Diary,

My legs aren't bendy anymore.  They used to be so bendy., but not anymore. Now my legs don't like to bend. I have to warm them up before I even try to bend them. 

I know what your thinking. "You're just getting old...that's what happens." Well, that sucks and I don't like it.